challenge

So I’ve got one of those formspring thingies where you can ask me questions. [Go ahead, go ask a question and then come back.]  I got a great question from K.W. yesterday, and I wanted to write more about it.

what do you think your greatest challenge (thus far) has been?

Not to beat a dead horse, but being queer. It’s harder than being female, being smart, being fat, being divorced.  Being queer has meant throwing away everything I have ever been taught about who society expects me to be, it means throwing away everything my family taught me to be, it means throwing away everything I imagined for myself growing up. Being queer means imagining a new way of making it, a new way of forging community and family and an academic niche for oneself. Being queer means coming out over and over and over again, it means walking into a job interview and being treated like a serious candidate even though they weren’t expecting a fat butch.

My former roommate was suprised by this– she didn’t expect me to say being queer.  She thought being female or fat would be a bigger challenge.  I guess I choose queerness because of the vectors where it intersects with my sex, gender, body, socio-economic status, education level, expectations around health, consumerism, and general politics.  Being identified as queer rather than lesbian means that I get to make up my own political platform (and in case you don’t know, it’s not the same as the Human Rights Campaign).  Being queer means making my own rules, healing from my own “I don’t want to be gay!” past, it means forging community with all of the other freaks.  Even if I felt like “lesbian” described me (I don’t), I think that I would be able to choose a different challenge to focus on.

 

you know what’s awesome?

You know what’s totally awesome?

Making space for each other.  Making space for each other’s experiences, opinions, thoughts, and ideas.  I’m all for debate, and honestly, I’m usually the first person to speak up and let someone have it when I feel hurt, offended, angry, or frustrated. 

Right now, I am sick of the trans/butch border wars.  What are they?  Well, Halberstam wrote about the FTM/Butch border wars in Female Masculinity (a must read, in my opinion…I am excited to get my copy autographed when I see Halberstam speak at the U of M in a couple weeks).  I feel like the border wars are getting bad again, and I think that there is no simple answer except that we all deserve space and respect.  I don’t believe that anyone is to blame–but I do think that some folks treat masculinity like a limited resource, and I don’t beleive that it is.  I think that people have been getting frustrated and angry and writing a lot of polarizing things.

I will be clear and honest.  I am butch identified.  I was assigned female at birth and continue to use the identifier female.   I have been reading a lot about people’s opinions on butchness just leading to transitioning to male.  Well, I’d like to clearly state my opinion:  I do not believe that butch is a stop on the path to male. Suggesting this makes a supposition that:

a) butch is JUST a stop on the way to true masculinity (false)

b) all people who transition to male spend time in the subject position Butch (to assume this is to erase the existence of femme identified trans men)

c) butch is absolutely a valid place to be without any intention of transitioning

d) some people who transition continue to identify as butch which is completely legit–because no one owns butchness except those who occupy it

 

I am not going to post links and stir drama, I just wanted to make my position clear.  I love my butch life (finally) and I embrace all butch sisters and brothers who want to occupy this space with me.

 

check it out.

NYC Dyke March publicity issues.

Check out this blog.

Then check out this blog.

 

Grand. Two grand.

Today I am incredibly proud to report that I am awesome.

264 days smoke-free. [That is almost long enough to gestate a human.  Wow.  No, I haven't been doing that.]

50 days of my life earned back.  [What if they're the best 50 days of my life? They will be...because I earned them.]

6600 cigarettes not smoked. [4.4 football fields in length when lined up.]

$2000 saved. [Yea, I've spent that money--but not on cigarettes.]

 

When I start to think of the many ways my life is different, it’s overwhelming.  I am a Virgo [like whoa hardcore Virgo] and I love to make lists, as y’all know.  I would like to now present to you my list of Best Things About Not Smoking.

• I don’t smell or taste like cigarettes. 
• I can sit at table and enjoy a meal without spending the entire meal thinking about getting up to smoke.
• I can have a few beers with friends and my hangovers are almost non-existant in comparison to the Smoked Too Much feeling after a night of drinking.
• My sense of smell and taste buds are healing.  I can smell and taste more complexity in my life.
• My lungs are healing– I have not had any colds, bronchitis, or sinus infections since quitting.  I don’t lose my breath as quickly.  I don’t get winded for as long.
• My risk of coronary problems is decreasing every day.  In 101 days, my risk for heart disease will be HALF that of a smoker. This is important–my maternal grandma died from a heart attack at age 55…she was a smoker.
• In the last 9 months, I have not had to pass a cigarette to someone so that I could have my picture taken without a visible cigarette in the shot.
• I replaced my dead desktop computer with a working laptop.  I replaced my dead iPod with a working iPod. 
• I took a long weekend vacation for the first time in 4.5 years…with non-smoking money.

Yea, I still have changes to make.  I need to exercise more and generally be more healthful, but I feel like my nicotine habit was my biggest stumbling block to making those other changes.  My goal for the next year is to be more active and continue to make healthier choices for myself.

Thanks to all the people who have been supporting me in this journey…and special props to all the other quitters in my life.