4 gb playlist for my sweetheart

Have you ever fallen in love?

I have gone and fallen in love, folks.  And I don’t mean that it’s complete, or finished–because I don’t think that it’s finished or complete in any way.  It’s perfect, amazing, satisfying.  This feeling that just when I believe my heart is full, it gets bigger and makes room for more– it’s something I could have never imagined, and here I am.

And in fine form, I went and fell in love with a brilliant, kind, loyal, protective, sweet butch whose life plans to change the world for the better have taken them geographically far away from me.  We were in the same place, and now we aren’t, but maybe we will be again.  But in the meantime, I find myself working hard to hold up my end of a long distance relationship, and part of that is sending notes/cards/letters/care packages, talking on the phone a lot, trying to figure out video chat, etc– but the other thing I did before my sweetie left town was give them my ipod for this first 5 week stint of being about 600 miles apart… and it was pre-loaded of course.

On that little black ipod there is a 4gb playlist of music in five playlists.  My sweetie has been gone 2 weeks already, and one of the things I’ve been doing to cope is to listen to these playlists of sappy/sweet/sexy love songs pretty much incessantly.

If y’all aren’t listening to Raphael Saadiq, you’re missing out.

And how about this one that I’m super hooked on right now… [It's even the ringer on my phone when my sweetie calls.]

This one is from the tearjerker list.

No love song compilation would be anywhere near complete without Nina Simone.

And of course, I’m a lucky, lucky butch myself– Dreamboat sends me a song of the day every day.  today I even got two.

So yea, I’ve been quiet lately.  I’ve been pretty busy.

 

mx. listy and the vicious circle

tonight i was thinking about my own less than social vicious CYCLE, which made me think of the movie that I like so much about dorothy parker, and in my mind i called the movie by the wrong title, thus changing my entire train of thought away from my vicious cycle back to missing a vicious circle.

did anyone follow that?

maybe i’ll try again.

 

tonight, i had very loose (like “do you wanna hang out?/yea, hit me up) plans, which fell through but that’s okay because it is affording my exhausted friend some time to rest.  there are plenty of things I could be doing socially instead tonight– but I kind of got sucked into the computer.

1- emailing and gchatting

2- working on cross-stitch pattern goodness

3- making a tumblr for butches a-go-go

4- making a winter music mix and album art to share with people
I haven’t eaten a real dinner.  I have drank a 20 oz pepsi though, which was delicious.  I have food that I can cook, but in order to cook I would need to do a sink full of dishes.  In order to get something out, I’d have to dig my car out of the snow.  Can’t you all see my vicious cycles??

It is easier to blog about it than it is to make a decision.  I also have pants to hem, and laundry to put away.  But I don’t wanna.  I wanna drink hot chocolate and snuggle, which appears not to be an option.

In other news, my new ties didn’t arrive today so I am grouchy because I had hoped to wear the polka dot one on Sunday.

 

 

oh hai

This is one of those narcissistic, weird posts where i’m just gonna sort of chronicle who i feel like i am right now.

I realized today that there are no pictures of me for awhile in this blog, and you might be curious to know who I am.

bee listy is a lot of things, but mostly i’m a 32 year old butch identified single queer person living in Minneapolis, MN trying to move back to the eastern time zone. i work in educational administration.  i spend a lot of time on the computer between keeping in touch w/ friends spread around the globe, making mixes, and pretending i’m a gifted graphic designer.  i’m an only child who grew up in cincinnati, ohio.  i don’t have any pets.  i’m jewish, inked, politically all over the map, wish i had gone to law school when i was younger (i got a master of education instead, ugh), love citrus fruits, drink too much coffee, and live to listen to music. i’m one of the organizers of the Twin Cities Dyke March.

my favorite band is sleater-kinney and i love morrissey and johnny cash.  i own at least 10 black t-shirts.  i like to wear a “uniform”– i mostly wear black t-shirts, jeans, and boots when i’m not at work.

i haven’t been on a date in a long while.  i complain about it, but do nothing to change it.

my favorite blogs are Sartorial Butch and Effing Dykes.

most of my close friends are men.  i like ice cream, Arrested Development, and biscuits & gravy.
Ok, I’m bored with myself.  Ciao.

 

6000. 1800. 8.5

Well, it’s time for another update on my life as a smoker who doesn’t smoke.  I’m still going strong, and my stats are now 6000 cigarettes not smoked, $1800 saved, 8.5 months smoke free, and almost 2 months of life saved.

Let’s allow that to sink in. 6000 cigarettes lined up back to back is almost half of a mile.  6000 cigarettes in 239 days would be 25 cigarettes a day, which is (as you know) just over one an hour– although because I generally sleep 6-7 hours a night, it was really more than that.  Also, during the workday I would take a break and smoke 2 or 3 cigarettes back to back.

I was a chimney.

Now I have not put $1800 into the coffers [so much like coffins-- impossible not to notice that] of Big Tobacco– but even better?  I have encouraged other people to quit smoking, so the money they’re not paying Big Tobacco is awesome also.  But encouraging others to quit isn’t enough.  I feel like it’s time for me to do more to help people not start smoking.
Ivan Coyote wrote about mentorship this week– and now I’m asking for ideas.  How do we educate our LGBT youth about the dangers of smoking?? How do we help young people find ways of handling stress without picking up the smokes?

For my readers who are LGBT folks who were never smokers, why didn’t you smoke? If you are a quitter, what finally got you to quit?

 

Sartorial Butch

I don’t know if you’re reading one of my favorite blogs yet, but if you aren’t, maybe you should.

The Sartorial Butch is a blog started by a pal of mine, and recently has received some really awesome extra attention! Jezebel and the Washington Post!!  Totally outstanding.

 

one sixth of a mile?!

So I have been terrible about posting lately, and I’m just stopping by with another smoking update.

I am now 160 days smoke free, and I have not smoked over 4000 cigarettes, and I have saved $1200.

WOW. REALLY? How much life have I earned back? Already more than a month.

4000 cigarettes lined up one in front of the other stretches out 800 feet. This is the length of my body almost 150 times. That’s 2 & 2/3 football fields. About 1/6 of a mile.

1200 is a lot of money. it’s a computer, rent, groceries, car insurance. it’s being able to buy a drink for a friend, it’s not panicking over paying the gas bill, it’s putting a little bit away for when I move later this year [don't ask where-- I don't know yet].

I have not gone this long without smoking since before I started smoking. And remember folks, I had my first cigarette in December 1992 [I was a sophomore in high school]. I’m 32 now. I feel awesome.

 

2000 Cigarettes

Today I have hit the 2000 cigarettes not smoked point on my quit stats. 2000 cigarettes is 100 packs of cigarettes, and here in Minneapolis, that would cost between $520 and $700, depending on what part of town you bought them in, so I average it out to $600 saved. For someone who never has enough money, that’s significant. I spent it on things like rent and electric bills. I have been sharing my quitting experience a lot on Facebook and twitter, and I feel like maybe I should put a bunch of my thoughts down in one place right now. So how did this happen? How did an intelligent young person who lost a grandma to lung cancer and a grandpa who had his life cut short by emphysema become a smoker?

 

2009 books…still going.

I’ve set a goal for myself to read 100 books in 2009.  I read 80 in 2008, so I figured I can step it up.  I need to hit 8.3 books a month, and so far I’m more or less on track.

In progress:

A Model World: And Other Stories by Michael Chabon (library)
Werewolves in their Youth: Stories by Michael Chabon (library)

On Deck:

Recommended that I’m interested in:

The Autobiography of Red by Anne Carson

 

you know what?

I think I need to use this blog more as an outlet for my cultural anger.

A friend linked to something on Bust’s website; I cancelled my subscription years ago because I was sick of it billing itself as feminist when I thought it was totally unfeminist.  I clicked on the home page and was totally grossed out by the first thing I came across– this post about hot mamas.

So i went and checked out the my mom, style icon site, expecting it to be cool and fun and interesting, and i was really disappointed by the overt sexualizing of the moms.  One of their choice tags is “virginity stealer“, and it’s only one post right now, I certainly wouldn’t appreciate someone calling my mom that.  The other post that really bothered me was this one– can someone please explain how MF’s crowing achievements were all the people she slept with?  I must be an idiot– i respected her for her talents as an entertainer.
My mom is turning 59, and she’s still a beautiful woman with a lot to contribute to the world, and I’d gladly submit a great photo of her looking awesome as a younger person really styling–but I’m afraid the authors over there would say something super gross about her.  Women in our culture have enough stress about how they look–they don’t need snarky bloggers commenting on their value as sex objects 30 years ago too.

Also, the you’re harshing our buzz comments over there are ridiculous.  i’ll gladly never read another word of that drivel again.

 

progress on 100 books in 2009

I’ve set a goal for myself to read 100 books in 2009. I read 80 in 2008, so I figured I can step it up. I need to hit 8.3 books a month, and so far I’m more or less on track.

In progress:

Best Music Writing 2008 (DaCapo) edited by Nelson George and Daphne Carr (library)

On Deck:

Voluntary Madness: My Year Lost & Found in the Loony Bin by Norah Vincent (library)

Recommended that I’m interested in:

yes means yes edited by jaclyn friedman and jessica valenti

Atlas of the Human Heart by Ariel Gore

Lipshitz six, or two angry blondes by T Cooper

The Autobiography of Red by Anne Carson

Irene Nemirovsky’s Suite Francaise

Finished:

1. Black Girl/White Girl: Joyce Carol Oates (library) my thoughts: i was not in love with this book. in fact, i kind of hated it and forced myself to finish it. i hated the self-absorption of the white narrator and her total failure at grasping white privilege.

2. Indignation: Philip Roth (autographed!! purchased at Common Good Books in St. Paul, MN) my thoughts: short but excellent, Roth remains one of my favorite living American writers.

3. The Best American Non-Required Reading 2008: edited by Dave Eggers, Intro by Judy Blume (gift from my mother) my thoughts: there is something for everyone in here.

4. Everyman: Philip Roth (library) my thoughts: less intense than Indignation, but still pretty good. I don’t know why stories about aging, Jewish guys are so enjoyable to me, but they are.

5. The Best American Short Stories 2008: edited by Salman Rushdie (gift to my partner KC from my mom) my thoughts: again, something for everyone in this collection. Loved it.

6. The Essential Dykes to Watch Out For: Alison Bechdel (purchased at Common Good Books) my thoughts: DTWOF and Bechdel have saved my life too many times to count. This collection is outstanding– a great summary for people who haven’t read every strip. if you haven’t read Fun Home yet, you’re missing out. Bechdel is amazing.

7. DeadEye Dick by Kurt Vonnegut (mom gave it to us when she cleaned out some old books) my thoughts: meh, it was fine. i found it compelling, but I wasn’t in love.

8. The Hotel New Hampshire by John Irving (mom gave it to us when she cleaned out some old books) my thoughts: damn, I really do love John Irving although there is some squick-out factor with regards to incest.

9. Mother Night: Kurt Vonnegut (mom gave it to us) my thoughts: intense, but a good read.

*started The Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut but hated it so much I put it down…which is rare for me. I usually have to finish a book, even if I hate it.*

10. The Quiet American: Graham Greene (from KC’s personal library) my thoughts: i probably would have been confused if i hadn’t seen the movie, in which Brendan Fraser does not suck.

11. Wilderness Tips by Margaret Atwood (library) my thoughts: intense in a good way… i had a hard time putting it down.

12. Fledgling by Octavia Butler (library) my thoughts: oh, i can’t believe how much i dug this book! i’ve never been into vampire stories before, but this was unbelievably compelling. i couldn’t put it down.

13. In a Queer Time and Place: Transgender Bodies, Subcultural Lives by Judith Halberstam (KC’s personal library–gift from me in 2007) my thoughts: amazing. my crush on Halby rages on.

14. I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb (loaned to me by friend Rebecca– 900 freaking pages!!!!) my thoughts: again, i couldn’t put this gigantic thing down. it’s not that i liked it– too many sad things covered to say i liked it–but again, i use the word compelling.

15. The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri (library) my thoughts: i rented a movie from the library and it had a preview of the movie version, which looked interesting. i wanted to read the book first, so i did. i liked it– i liked the characters, even at the points where they were somewhat unlikeable, except i didn’t like the part that focuses on Moushumi toward the end. I enjoyed the movie but prefer the book.

16. love is a mix tape: life and loss, one song at a time: Rob Sheffield (library) my thoughts: intense, sad, uplifting, sad, glorious. spoke to the music nerd in me almost as much as Joe Meno’s Hairstyles of the Damned (read that if you love music). only this is non-fiction, and wonderful.

17. People of the Book: Geraldine Brooks (loaned to us by KC’s mom) my thoughts: smart and engaging historical fiction that is loosely based on a real thing that happened. i dug it a lot.

18. Color of Violence: The Incite! Anthology by Incite! Women of Color Against Violence (my personal collection) i was recommended this book at an anti-racism/anti sexual violence workshop and it’s full of really amazing, but intense stuff, and can’t be read directly through like a novel… but I definitely recommend it.

19. Queerly Classed: Gay Men & Lesbians Write about Class edited by Susan Raffo (purchased at Quatrefoil Library book sale) my thoughts: This was awesome–and a lot of food for thought for someone who feels as transclassed as I do.

20. Super in the City by Daphne Uviller (library) my thoughts: it was smarter than most “chick lit” and more fun– a quick, easy read.

21. Self-Made Man: One Woman’s Year Disguised As A Man by Norah Vincent (please, get this crap out of my life from eBomb) my thoughts: i want to write a big entry about it– stay tuned.

22. Chaos Theory & Higher Education edited by Dr. Marc Cutright (my personal collection– Dr. C was my boss in grad school) my thoughts: it covered a bunch of stuff I don’t really understand in some ways, but some of it was pretty interesting.

23. Look at Me by Jennifer Egan (library) my thoughts: there was a lot going on in these 400 pages, and there was a really strong lack of resolution– i hate fake-ass resolution, but i also hate wondering why i just read about someone if i have no idea what happened to them. kind of po-mo thoughts on identity but not po-mo enough to really get me thinking.

24. Only Child: Writers on the Singular Joys and Solitary Sorrows of Growing Up Solo edited by Deborah Siegel & Daphne Uviller (library) my thoughts: oy! I’m going to have to do a whole entry on all the resonant stuff in this book for me. Most of it is nothing new, but there are a few things. Damn, I’m reading faster than I can write about what I’m reading.