I’m a Virgo-Virgo-Saggitarius (i could go on– i know my birth chart pretty well now). Because my Mercury is in Virgo, my first reaction to any situation is to try to organize, classify and analyze everything. Seriously, I’m a taxonomist– I love to categorize things, mark time, countdown, count up. As y’all know from reading this blog, I’m an obsessive counter. I remember dates well– birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Today is a big one.
the author & her mom, 12/12/03 (oh yea, i got married in a ice blue velvet gown)
Today is five years since I left my husband. Well, he was my husband then, but he’s my ex-husband now– our marriage was legally dissolved in the great state of Ohio and I changed my last name back in 2006. But 5/13/05 was the day I said “I don’t think I can be married to you anymore” and that was that.
Of course nothing in life is that simple, or is it?
May 6, 2005 at San Fran State Univ, one week before we split up
Today I feel like I should have seen this emotional truck coming– I feel sad, lonely, curious. Where would we live if we had stayed together? Our geographic location was a compromise of my job and his studies. Parallel universe Mr. & Mrs. T might have lived on the west coast, had kids. Would we? What would they be like? I don’t even know if I want kids or not (most days, no. once in awhile, yes.)
home alone, june 2, 2005
After he left, I lived alone for the first time in my life. I was 27 1/2 years old. It was horrible some days, amazing other days. I started cooking again (that was something he loved and did most of– he was a student and did a lot of the household stuff because I worked full time at a more than 40 hours/week job).
I feel lonely– since our split, I have had two other relationships. I’ve been single for the last ~9 months. I can’t help feeling a little bit like I keep rejecting people who really love me.
I know that it was the right thing. Parallel universe me might not even be alive– she was pretty fucking depressed and suicidal. I’m sad a lot of the time, but I don’t want to die.
I’ve spent the last several months trying to figure a lot of stuff out, trying to change my life– quitting smoking, looking to move back east, and honestly? It sucks sometimes. Change comes out of conflict, and I’ve had a lot of hard, sad days– I can’t lie. But I feel like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel– and no matter what, I am grateful. My life is full of amazing love– family, friends, chosen family.
- the author after a haircut from her favorite barber
I’m going to be okay. And it’s okay to have these sad, pit stop days.
