I’m writing today because I need to come out. Yes, again.
I’m coming out as a Femme ally. This means that I value the richness that Femmes bring to my life in a myriad of ways. This means that I value the diversity that Femmes bring to our community. This means that I recognize the validity of a Femme gender identity, and I affirm the place that Femmes hold in my radical queer community. This means I recognize the ability of Femmes to stand up for themselves, but I also recognize my responsibility to be responsive when Femmes ask for back up. This means that I reject the misogyny and femmephobia perpetrated on Femmes by non-Femme presenting people, and I’m asking you to come with me.
Well, what are you afraid of?
Actively identifying myself as a Femme ally means doing my own homework. Take everything you know about other kinds of privilege, and apply it here. I have a lot of Femme friends, and I read their blogs, ask their opinion, ask how I can be a better ally, ask what they need from me and other radical queer identified people. I read a lot of blogs written by Femmes I don’t know as well. Being a good ally, in my opinion, means making yourself available but doing your own work. Start conversations, confront femmephobia, but know your place. Do not take over Femme space. Do not make everything about you. Have conversations about being a good ally to Femmes– and start by asking Femmes you know how you can be a good ally. Do not assume that all Femmes want and need the same thing from you. Do not assume that Femme is a homogenous group.
It seems that someone is always maligning Femme with high maintenance. This is Femmephobic. I think it’s important to confront Femmephobic rhetoric, and for me, part of that is being able to identify with what I don’t like about what someone else is saying. When it comes to the triggering phrase “high maintenance”, I think it’s really important that we find a common definition of high maintenance. Dictionary.com defines high maintenance as slang:
high-maintenance
- mod.
[of a person] requiring much care and coddling. : He’s sort of a high-maintenance guy. He requires lots of reassurance.
Okay, as far as I can tell, this has nothing to do with Femme. There may be people who ID as Femme who require coddling (something I assign negative value to) but care? I am human and I require care– no matter how butch I am feeling on any given day. All people require some care.
When I think about high maintenance, I think of people who expect me to read their minds. People who demand a lot, but don’t lay out any parameters for their expectations. I think of people who expect me to know eactly what they want and need, but refuse to give any guidance. I think of people who can’t make decisions, don’t know what they want, don’t know how to ask for what they need. That’s what I think of when I think of high maintenance. Those are bad behaviors no matter what your gender identity.
So I guess my question for you, lovely readers– if you identify as Femme, what are things you want/need/expect from allies? If you are already considering yourself an ally to Femmes, how do you do this? How can we do better?
Edited to add already:
So after posting, I got into a chat conversation with an awesome human i hold near and dear to my heart. Through that convo, I was able to identify part of why I think this specific issue requires specific attention.
I stated to identify as a feminist in elementary school. I continue to identify as a feminist–and all of the chaotic imagery that entails. What I am trying to articulate right now is that femmephobia is misogyny. Anti-Femme sentiment is an extension of patriarchal, anti-female attitudes and behaviors. I think it can be about sexual objectification, silencing women’s experiences, and rejecting and maligning femininity.
I also think that we need to stop policing gender in every way. I wrote about butch gender policing recently–but i think we all need to move into a space where people in our queer community are not policing each other’s genders. I’m sick of having to constantly reassert my butch identity up against a traditionally female hobby–one that was taught to me by a male member of my family–but that’s not the issue now is it?
PATRIARCHY PARTY CRASHER 
Bevin
I have a half-written post about people not articulating their needs/wants I should finish but suffice it to say I agree wholeheartedly that expecting someone to guess what you want is totally making things unneccessarily hard.
I think being a good femme ally specifically means all that you’ve said plus also the simple things. When I have on complicated shoes or outfits, if someone else doesn’t, them offering help is nice. But you have to offer & it has to be accepted–I know plenty of femmes who literally climb fences in heels.
Confronting femmephobia in casual conversation when no femmes are around is really important. I don’t hear most of those stereotypes or femmephobic comments because people don’t say it in front of me. Same goes for fatphobia and homophobia. It is not cool to misalign any group and good ally behavior means confronting it from your position of privlege when it’s tossed around in your presence.
I would also like to see more butches doing work to create community with each other. I hear from so many people that they want what the femme family/femme mafia has and I tell each of them to do the work. Community building is a lot of work but totally worth it.
Thanks for this post!
bee listy
I really look forward to reading the post you have cooking 🙂
I really wish I knew what to do to create butch community, honestly. I just don’t know very many offline butch ID’d people right now– my butch community is almost completely online. I feel like a lot of people in our generation have eschewed the label “butch” for other things that [edited for clarity] are considered more hip. I have defended the word butch a lot.
Tristan
I have to assume that yr not meaning to invoke the old “all the butches turned trans because it’s hip” shit. But yr doing it just the same.
Policing others’ identities can be calling them “high maintenance” and it can also be calling them “hip.” It sucks that you don’t feel like you have a butch community but you might want to consider other ways of addressing the issue.
bee listy
That is absolutely not what I said, or what I’m saying.
I’m talking about perception of hipness with regard to labels not actual identity. I’m not talking about trans people AT ALL. If i had been, I would have explicitly said so.
I feel like I have to defend the word butch from people who tell me it is outmoded, that “boi” or “genderqueer” are better, more current, or less imitation of heterosexuality, and what I’m saying is that I don’t think anyone should be telling anyone else how to identify.
Tristan
As I said: without meaning to, you invoked a hurtful trope in queer culture re: trans guys/genderqueers/bois/etc. It doesn’t need to be explicit to matter.
I feel like I have to defend my identity from people who tell me it is trendy, or that butch is less of an imitation of heteronormative gender.
Funny how we all bristle at the same types of statements. There’s no need to get defensive; this isn’t a personal attack, it’s just a heads-up that your framing is problematic.
bee listy
I can respect that you felt like I invoked that, but I don’t know how I invoked it…does that make sense? I don’t know how to NOT do that because I don’t understand how it happened.
I apologize for hurting your feelings, but I’m not sure how what i was saying about LABELS translates to being dismissive of identity– there’s a disconnect for me, so that’s what i’m not getting.
MainelyButch
I can relate to your wishing for ways to create more Butch community space. I am somewhat in the same spot. Most of my Butch friends are online as well. Those locals that I know are mostly in locked up relationships and don’t seem to have much need for more “Butch bonding” as I call it. I believe that people outside of the LGBT community have been more informed about Trans issues now – it’s in the news quite often and on all the social media platforms as well, seeing more stories about people coming out as Trans. I get questioned frequently by those with less understanding and knowledge because they don’t understand Butch the way they seem to understand Trans nowadays. It’s somewhat of a generational change and dilemma I believe. Some people see how physically masculine I am and then they seem to assume I am Trans – the word Butch feels like it’s getting lost in translation somehow in today’s many gender world. To me, Butch is my identity. ~MB
JAC
love it, you are awesome. I ought to write something about being a trans-femme. Femme writing commence!!
bee listy
I would love to hear what you have to say about being a trans-femme! I ❤ you forever, JAC! Miss your pink head of hair and lovely face.
Femme Fairy Godmother
I can’t answer the “what do I need from a femme ally” question because I’m stunned. I’ve been a fierce butch ally since even before I came out but I have had so much heartache from lesbians over the last 20+ years because I’m femme. For a number of lesbians -maybe even most lesbians = femme is okay to mock, to belittle, to ignore. So all I can say is thank you. Thank you.
bee listy
Well, I hope that once you get a chance to recover you will let us know what you need from allies!
You’re welcome. Thank you for rocking out as a proud Femme.
Ethan
My two cents:
queers do to femmes what straight people do to queers. they devalue their (insert gender ID/sexuality) by telling them they are not part of the larger community due to their (insert gender ID/sexuality).
Once we can all see the relationship between these similar oppressions, the faster we can support our fellow femme queers!
bee listy
Well said.
alphafemme
I agree very much with what Ethan said, and *thank you* so much, bee listy, for this post. Part of why I love the queer blogging network that I consider myself a part of is that there is SO much more femme support here than there is in my real life. Living in San Francisco, I feel pretty invisible, and that’s saying something. It was the same at my women’s college I attended for my undergrad degree. In order to be seen as a true part of the queer community, I’m supposed to somehow “look the part.” And I really, really resent that.
How to be an ally? Well, hmm. I think the main thing I would want more of is acknowledgement. When I’m out, at a queer space, it makes my fucking WEEK when I get a wink or a smile or a nod from a non-femme queer gal (or guy, too, to a lesser extent). It doesn’t have to be because you think I’m hot or are checking me out or anything. Just a sort of tacit recognition that I’m queer.
That aside, because I know that can be hard to do and can feel pretty vulnerable, I’d say what Bevin said about confronting femmephobia in casual conversation when I’m not there.
And just appreciating all the femmes in your life in whatever capacity they’re there, pay ’em a compliment once in a while that focuses on their femme-ininity (“those shoes are smokin’!”, etc.).
And lastly: let us be your allies too. We need you, and you need us 🙂
PS I hate being called “high-maintenance” 😦 Taking half an hour in the morning to do my skin and make-up DOES NOT A HIGH-MAINTENANCE PERSON MAKE. Thanks for bringing attention to that 😉
bee listy
I feel like I definitely make the attempt to acknowledge femmes in queer space– but it’s out in the rest of the world that I am super hesitant. When a femme presenting woman holds my gaze on the bus or in the elevator or at the bookstore, I wonder “maybe she’s queer!?” When I smile back, I try to gauge her response. I guess learning to even consider if someone may be a femme (and not a straight woman) is a step?
Dani
Forgive me for being a lurker, but I thought I’d chime in this time. I’m “femme” and I have both butch and femme friends. I’m using quotes for me, because femme isn’t an important part of my identity, although it doesn’t bother me that most people would put me in that box, and I might fit comfortably there. Anyways…
Maybe I don’t really “get” this because I’m living in a very small midwestern town, but are we helping to perpetuate the problem by reinforcing these divisive categories? I know that butch/femme identities are very important for many people, and many people may encounter difficulties based on other peoples’ perceptions of “who they are”, regardless of their own personal identity. But why is it hard for some to be supportive of others, no matter who they are or who people think they are? Oppression does not occur only on one plane. I might “benefit” in some situations from generally conforming to gender expectations (not to please others). But what about race? What about educational level? What about class & income? What about religion? What about health? What about social support? When the whole is taken into consideration some queers might even find they have it better than some straights! Yes, it gets messy, but life’s messy.
Sorry for all of this crazy rambling… I guess what I’m trying to say is that I try to oppose oppression wherever I see it (as I’m sure most of us here do), no matter who the oppressor, or who the victim. I don’t tend to approach people based on categories, since categories are only a set of assumptions to begin with. And it’s more helpful for me to approach individuals as individuals.
bee listy
First off, all are always welcome– no need to apologize for lurking. 🙂
Second, I don’t think the categories are divisive. I think they are homes that feel comfortable to some people– and that makes it important for me to discuss the issues. Butch is a comfortable home for me– I don’t want to shed that box, but that’s just for me– if someone else doesn’t want to live there, that’s ok.
All of the other stuff that you mention does impact this stuff. As a self-identified radical queer, I am working to eradicate all oppression from my community, but it takes a lot of work and a lot of time. It’s hard work– and there is only so much I can do on my own– I need help from other queers.
I disagree– it’s perfectly acceptable to approach a group as a group, especially when the members of the group choose to align themselves with the group.
Bevin
I don’t think finding identification with labels propagates more oppression. If anything I think it helps people find community.
Intersectionality of identity is really important to think about–none of us lives in a vacuum, we all live at the intersection of many privileges and oppressions.
I think the point of Bee’s post has more to do with intra community stereotyping and hurtfulness and the fact that anti-Femme rhetoric is so readily accepted in many circles because Femme is associated with a lot of things about mainstream culture that is maligned. Like make-up, consumerism, etc… even though most of the Femmes I know are extremely crafty at alterna-consumerism and don’t always wear make-up.
I talk about this stuff on my blog.
bee listy
You’re right–I was talking more about the intracommunity stereotyping, dismissiveness, and inbalance of power that anti-Femme sentiment and rhetoric reinforce.
nome
This sounds like a great start. I really appreciate your emphasis on doing what each individual person needs rather than assuming or generalizing. So many people don’t understand that concept, to the point where I’ve mostly given up on the idea of allyship. Reading things like this makes me feel like maybe people can do it right.
bee listy
Well, let’s hope that we’re creating the world we want to live in. 🙂
ladyfemme
Thank you for this post! Talking about being a femme ally, and femmephobia in the queer community is so important because so many people don’t seem to realize how widespread femmephobia is. Where I live, people who would never ever mock any group of people, and would readily stand up against racism, classism, ablebodism, heteronormativity, misogyny, sizeism etc etc will in the same breath make fun of feminine people. It’s those times, which seem to occur mostly when i’m not present, that i need my allies most of all.
And i agree that sometimes all it takes is a friendly hello in a queer space to make my day. Often people won’t even make eye contact with me long enough for me to say hi to them!
After 14 years of being femme identified, most of them in a pretty un-femme friendly town, i have resigned myself to mostly fighting my own battles on the femme front. it makes my day to read 2 different butches standing up ad supporting femmes. yay!!
bee listy
I love that Sartorial Butch and I were on the same wavelength. Generally, the two of us have a lot in common but we didn’t intend to blow up the blogospher with Mega Femme Love Day, but I’m glad it had that impact. 🙂
[Other things the SB and I have in common: a love of Morrissey, a love of argyle, and an ex.]
I am so sad to hear that you are in an unfriendly town for Femmes. Do you need us to raise a posse? I’m pretty sure G from CanIHelpYouSir is in too.
kerie
I don’t like to label people or to be labeled as I often find the truth and the label are very far apart. I know femmes who are very butch, ftm transguys who come across as Nana’s and some of the butch women are so totally femme i just wonder what’s going on in their head!
I take people as I find them without regard to what they are wearing or how they try and present themselves to the world. I want to know the person not the image because it’s been my experience that the person and image are worlds apart.
Essentially, I think people are like onions, the trick is to get past the rough outside layers to find what’s truly inside.
alphafemme
I think an important thing to add to “I don’t like to label people” (which is important, for sure) is “but I respect the labels people choose for themselves.” If someone self-identifies as femme, it’s disrespectful to her to decide that no, she’s not actually, and I think it’s disrespectful to the butch women you mention to decide for them that “they’re so totally femme.”
You’re right, people are like onions, there are lots of layers, and it’s super-important to get to know what’s truly inside. And it’s admirable that you desire to do so. But to decide FOR someone that her inside layers and outside layers are ill-fitted is, well, disrespectful (to re-use and re-use that word!). Yes, people are complicated, and part of acknowledging that and learning about them is believing their truths about themselves.
I know this is all a bit off topic, but I couldn’t let that comment sit, sorry! And it’s kindly meant, kerie.
kerie
No offense taken!
I don’t think it’s disrespectful to have an opinion but it would be if I chose to express it to them. I respect everyone’s choices and how they want to present themselves. I just prefer to judge the person not the facade which is sometimes at odds. I’m not about to believe what someone tells me if I see something completely different and that doesn’t mean I won’t still respect or like who they are.
I hope I’m making sense 🙂
yondergen
You said: I know femmes who are very butch, ftm transguys who come across as Nana’s and some of the butch women are so totally femme i just wonder what’s going on in their head!
Isn’t saying someone who (I’m assuming) labels themselves as femme or butch but seems, to you, the reverse, not only labelling them (as femme or butch) but disrespecting the label (“seeing something different”) they’ve chosen?
kerie
Not at all.
As I said, I respect their choices I just may have a differing opinion. I don’t find it necessary to tell anyone that their presentation of themselves is at odds with how I perceive them to be. If I expressed that opinion to them it would be totally disrespectful and incredibly rude.
FFAF
I just think that people need to learn how NOT to make assumptions about a person (in this case, a femme) just because they present a certain way. What bugs me more than anything else is how common it is for a person to think I’ve nothing of value to offer or contribute because I am femme and they are not, or are neither femme nor butch.
I am also a woman.
I am also a mother.
I am also a feminist.
I am also a friend.
And I love.
It’s the instantaneous dismissal of any other, not just the femme other, that is unfair to both parties and happens all too often. Don’t shoot yourselves in the foot, folks! You are likely missing out on an amazing friend, lover, ally, colleague, etc.
bee listy
FFAF, I love reading your blog and I really enjoyed your comment over on SB’s post. 🙂 Thanks for a great comment.
Cherry
To kerie:
By saying that you know femmes who are butches, and butches who are femme, etc., you are just perpetuating stereotypes of what butch and femme are supposed to be. A good first step to show you have respect for someone’s identity is to refrain from assuming how they should express that identity. This is often called “gender policing.”
For example, I assume by saying “some of the butch women are so totally femme i just wonder what’s going on in their head!” you are inferring that these butch women do things that are typically associated with the femme identity. Like, oh I don’t know, cross-stitching? Or baking? Or making clothes? Or doing housework? Or letting girls fuck them? I know butches who do all these things, and it doesn’t make them any less butch. And it most certainly doesn’t make them “so totally femme.”
And inversely, by saying you “know femmes who are very butch” you probably mean you know femmes who engage in activity normally ascribed to the butch identity. Like fixing things, using power tools, lifting heavy things, doing sports, and fucking their girlfriends with cocks. I know femmes who do all these things, and it doesn’t make them any less femme.
The thing that’s out of whack here is not their identities, it’s that you associate those identities with gender stereotypical behavior and question their validity if they aren’t as you expect. No identity has a set of mandatory behaviors. Self-identified femmes dictate what is femme. Self-identified butches dictate what is butch. To them.
Being an ally starts with validation. It’s about opening your mind and becoming aware of the the people who make up a gender identity, and valuing their diversity rather than judging them.
And to Ethan, I couldn’t agree more. People oppress each other out of fear and suspicion, and it’s time to discard the notion that femmes are not really queer, that we present the way we do because we’re oppressed by the patriarchy and need to be liberated, or are trying to “pass” as straight. Because we’re not. We’re gay as blazes, we know exactly what we’re doing when we put on heels and lipstick (if that’s how we choose to express ourselves), and we are vocal and take every opportunity to shatter our invisibility. Don’t tell us we need to conform to your expectations in order to prove ourselves. That’s just femmephobia. Embrace us.
And to beelisty, I appreciate your meditation on high maintenance. But I’d like to go a step further and shed the negative connotations, and embrace high-maintenance as part of some femme identities. But with a caveat: femmes may be high maintenance, but they maintain themselves, thank you very much. Speaking for myself, anyway. The only one who maintains this highness is me. And my lovely low-maintenance admirers and allies get to enjoy the fruits of my labor, with no strings or expectations.
kerie
You missed the point I initially made.
“I take people as I find them without regard to what they are wearing or how they try and present themselves to the world. I want to know the person not the image because it’s been my experience that the person and image are worlds apart.”
In other words, I don’t care how you look, I want to know who you are.
G
Bee, I’m glad you’re working on debunking that high-maintenance thing, because I think it has always had a negative connotation.
But I agree with Cherry in the sense that high-maintenance doesn’t have to be a bad thing! In fact, as someone who is attracted to femmes, I appreciate and am attracted to that high-maintenance quality. I WANT a woman who takes care of herself and has high standards. If she has a demanding personality (which seems to be synonymous with high-maintenance these days), it has nothing to do with being femme.
Instead of avoiding the term, can we shift the energy around it?
bee listy
I think you’re using H.M. the way that SB talked about it in her post. I agree- if you’re using H.M. in a way that is meant to reference high standards, a high level of care, etc. it is fine to use.
I’m asking people to stop using it in the cruel way– perhaps I didn’t go far enough (really, to the exact place SB went). I’m all for redefining and reclaiming words…
Cherry
kerie, I didn’t miss that point you made.
This is a post about femme allyship, and beelisty asks how people can become better femme allies. You could be a better ally to self-identified femmes, butches, and trans men (the three examples you cite) by coming to the understanding that their gender is NOT just an “image” or how they “present themselves to the world.” It is not an adjective to describe the surface, it is an identity. If you want to know who I really am, femme is a big part of that, deep down. The way I look and how I behave are only a small part of femme for me.
You say you don’t like to label folks, and I can respect that. But then you called butches femme and trans guys “Nanas”(?) and femmes butch. So you were both labeling them, AND negating the identities they claimed for themselves. Allies don’t do that.
Perhaps your understanding of gender is different than those of us who claim butch or femme or trans or any other identities. And that’s totally cool. But don’t assume your way works for everyone.
Re: reclaiming high maintenance, the femmetastic Bevin from above explores that here.